For immediate release:
Help desperately needed at a well-established, rock-solid firm. An honest day's work equals an honest salary, sufficient to feed and clothe your family. The ideal candidate will be able to manage his/her own schedule and workload autonomously, completing projects ahead of or on schedule. Telecommuting when no meetings are scheduled is okay. Because a proper diet and excercise are vital to optimal work performance, the employer will provide cash incentives for regular use of the on-site gym and cafeteria. Occasional overtime may be expected, but is not required. Employer will provide all necessary training, and new courses will be given as technology advances, and trends change. You will be consulted on matters affecting your job performance, the health of our company, and opportunities for advancement. While no one is expected to remain in any one job forever, you may feel free to retire from this position, should your job perfomance remain consistently beneficial to the company. Your coworkers will be your real-world friends, and you will celebrate marriages, births, graduations, and other triumphs and setbacks side-by-side. When you take a vacation, your coworkers will pick up the slack, and you will return to a clean desk in your office, refreshed and renewed. You will use your education here, and sentences that begin with "My Economics professor used to say..." won't get you laughed out of the room. You will have modern, smoothly functioning equipment to complete your work in the most efficient manner possible. Slapping the copier three times will not be considered a remedy. Completing a project early earns you the right to leave the office early. We will help you budget and plan for retirement, your childrens' college education, and regular vacations. Our health and dental plans are easy to understand and paperless. Apply today, tomorrow, or whenever you're ready.
Well, I don't need to tell you that this job doesn't exist. I have long been a fan of Warren Buffet's wisdom, and to hear him say "The best investment you can make is in yourself. Cultivate your own talents, and you will have a value in the marketplace." resonates with me at a time like this. As I see people lose their jobs and their companies fail, I see more clearly that there are truly other forms of currency.
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